by Meg Conley of Huffington Post
I was getting a manicure the first time I learned that not all wives want to, ahem, go for a roll in the hay with their husbands. I was 16 and had picked out orange nail polish (oh, sixteen). I had a book with me but it wasn’t long before I found another source of entertainment. In-between buffings and polishings, the two women next to me talked about how much their husbands wanted IT and how little they wanted to give IT.
For a girl that had not even been asked out on a date this was a whole new world. I had a suspicion that their experience was more realistic than the articles I sneaky read in Cosmo while getting my hair done at the salon. (I am supposed to put my hand WHERE? while simultaneously doing WHAT?) So I kept my eyes on my book, let the words blur into lines and listened closely.
“Doesn’t he know how tired I am by the end of the day? As if after the kids are finally asleep I have the energy to do anything but sit down and watch some TV.”
“For me, it isn’t even the energy it takes. I am still losing weight from the baby. I don’t feel sexy. I can hardly undress in front of a mirror, let alone in front of him. I honestly think it is selfish that he expects me to pretend to feel something that I don’t.”
“Selfish? That’s a good word. Maybe if he took care of the kids when he got home or made dinner once in a while I would be more interested. Hell, just pick up the milk on the way home from work. I am not asking for much. Now that I think about it, I don’t think we have done it in the last three weeks.”
“Yeah. It’s been at least two for us.”
Wait. These women were married…they lived with a guy….who slept in their bed. They could have sex all the time! And they didn’t want to? It made no sense. It was like turning down a zero calorie but as delicious-as-creme-brulee dessert. (Or at least I assumed. At that point everything I knew about romance was gleaned from Anne of Green Gables and Moulin Rouge.)
How sad. How wasteful. How stupid. When I got married, I would always want to have sex with my husband! And I would never be too tired. My goodness, it was just ridiculous to want him to bring home a gallon of milk just to prove he cared. Wasn’t it just like a woman to make a grocery run a test of love. As the final coat of polish was applied to my nails, I swore to never be like them. My life would be different. I would be better. I would never feel too fat or too tired. Ever.
And then I grew up.
Intercourse, carnal knowledge, lovemaking, knocking boots, coitus, SEX! is everything 16 year old me imagined plus a little whipped cream on top. (Whipped cream, see what I did there?) And once Riley and I got married there was lots and lots and lots of it. Then we had a baby and I really was just so tired my bones hurt. And for a while I did feel fat. Even after I lost the pregnancy weight everything just looked different. Like a cut flower that has been left out in the sun, still lovely just a little…wilted. I became a little distant. We started to fall asleep without talking or kissing.
Then one day while washing dishes, I realized that we had gone eight days without touching each other. Eight days was a quite some time for us. But the thing that bothered me the most was that I hadn’t missed it. And I knew that was a problem. So that night after we put the baby to bed, I gave Riley my best come hither glance. Yes, I was tired and felt about as desirable as the “feed the birds” lady in Mary Poppins. But while drying the dishes, it occurred to me that 16 year old Meg must have understood something about sex that 20-something Meg had forgotten. And maybe, just maybe it was worth remembering.
Without further ado here are five reasons you should have sex with your husband every night:
1. Being a mother, one of the ultimate expressions of womanhood, can often leave a girl feeling stripped of her femininity. There is something about being covered in spit up and attending to the every need of another human being that makes one feel distinctly gender neutral. Most of my days are spent playing with dolls, wiping baby food off of my clothes, changing diapers, wiping snot off of my clothes, going to the park, and wiping what-the-heavens-is-that off of my clothes. There is something restorative about kissing the boy you love. There are times in Riley’s arms when I remember who I am before I even realize I have forgotten. Yes, I am a cook, cleaner, teacher, and wiper of all things disgusting. But I am also something more, something delightful and completely apart from my roles. I am a woman! And there is potential and depth and heck, I am pretty darn good kisser, too. It is a lovely thing, finding yourself through the touch of someone else.
Nessa: Although this article has a good point (which is why I shared with our readers), I can think of a lot more reasons than having sex with my husband because I am a mother and I need to find myself as a woman again. Either way, I guess I agree with this, but women who do not have children, this doesn’t give you a free pass. Mother or not, cherish your womanhood and celebrate your body and the role you play each night pleasing your spouse. Being a woman is amazing, and although the idea that men love sex and we need lists or reasons to remind ourselves why we should love it too is a bit misleading, it does help those of us who do enjoy sex daily, remember why we do. My husband needs a list more than me, and I am proud of that.
2. If you want your husband to act like a man, you need to treat him like a man. Hold the eye rolls. I am not pushing for a return to the 1950′s. (Although, heaven knows an era in which low rise jeans did not exist is basically alright by me.) Women need any number of criteria met to feel loved. Men are far simpler. They need to be fed, they need to be appreciated, and they need to have sex. That is it. Really. So make or order dinner once in a while. Say thank you for the long hours spent at work with a hug and smile when he walks through the door each night. (Better yet? Smile as you hand him the kids and walk out the door for a long, much needed break.) And my goodness, let the poor man see you naked. It is astounding what a good man will do for a good woman that has made him feel loved. After a few weeks of meals and make outs, you will sit back and wonder why you didn’t insist on having sex every night sooner. Talk about a small investment and big returns.
Nessa: This is something I have written about on my blog religiously. If you want to have a man, treat him like a man. I do not mean have as in, you will be single if you do not give him sex, I mean if you want to have a man that acts and feels like a real man, treat him like a real man. The more affection and intimacy you give your spouse, the more he will give back to you. Manhood doesn’t take a day off, neither should intimacy. Make sure you set time aside each day for your husband to make sure he knows he is a real man and you are a woman. A real woman.
3. You need to have a moment in each day that is just about the two of you. Remember that boy? The one that made your heart thump and hands sweat? The one that called when you hoped he would, that made you run hot and high up to the stars until you thought you would never come down? He is still there. Under the years and bills and worries, that smiling boy is still in love with and needs his smiling girl. Every night after the kids go to bed is a chance to find him again. A moment to remind yourself that you are living a picket fenced adventure and my goodness, there is nothing the two of you can’t do.
Nessa: If you cannot find 10 to 20 minutes in your day to put everything aside and find time for your husband, you aren’t doing marriage right. For me, this is a must. I do not find time once, I actually set aside time each morning for a little intimacy, usually without an orgasm, just to tease and be close to my husband. This helps kick-start our day. It also helps keep me on my husband’s mind, and him being happy makes me happy. At night time, rather than a little intimacy with no orgasm, we will make sure we connect and have our moment. The build up from the morning and the stress relief of being satisfied, reminds us both that we are a unite and our connection isn’t just a piece of paper and our kids. I practice what I preach and for me, intimacy should be practiced every day. Like exercising each day keeps you healthy, being intimate each day keeps your marriage healthy.
4. Sex relieves stress. I don’t know that this one needs much explanation. As a mother I eat stress for breakfast. So it seems to me I have a choice. I can let off steam by A) driving around at night and bashing in strangers mailboxes or B) I can get down and dirty with that one guy I married that one time. I choose option B. (So far the mailboxes in my neighborhood have escaped unscathed, so Option B must be working.)
Nessa: I remember hearing jokes from different comedians about their wives not wanting sex, “Not tonight, I have a headache.” Although I didn’t know it at the time, I never wanted to be ‘that woman.’ Thankfully I learned, that no matter how my head felt, during sex with my husband, my headaches and pain vanished. Not only did it vanish, for the 10 to 20 minutes following sex, I would be pain free. So not only is sex a stress reliever, it is also a pain reliever. The natual chemicals released during sex, like dopamine, endorphins, and serotonin—induce both pleasure-enhancing and pain-relieving sensations. This helps make headaches less severe, and for me, totally disappear. So, no, I will never have to tell my husband, “Not tonight, I have a headache.”
5. It is so much blasted fun. Seriously. Why are we so quick to refuse the good things in life? We will slog through our children’s Algebra homework, do Zumba in public and pluck the hair from our body ONE PIECE AT A TIME. But tell a girl to have sex every night and she looks at you like you are crazy, An orgasm? Every night? What do I look like? A Nymphomaniacal Super Woman?
Where is the logic in that?
Are we really too busy doing dishes to participate in an activity that is so good it has inspired genius (that saucy Shakespeare) and changed history (Okay, Helen of Troy, we get it. You were super hot)? My goodness, what a crazy way to live. Ladies, did it ever occur to you (to us!) that we should have sex because WE DESERVE IT?
Yeah, you deserve it.
Nessa: Pride yourself in being sexual and enjoying the same things your husband enjoys. I am not ashamed that I love sex and want it each day. I use being a good wife as an excuse to get what I want, the penis I love inside my body making the man it’s connected to moan because I feel so good to him. See how that works? My article would read, “100 Reasons Why You Should Have Sex With Your Wife Every Night.”
So, tonight put the kids to bed. Leave the dishes in the sink and the floors unswept. They will wait. Take a moment to remember that you are the girl you hoped you would be and then go find that boy and remind him that he is the man you knew he could be.