Q&A: My Wife of 13 Years Just Told Me She Has Been Faking Orgasms

My wife of 13 years just told me she has been faking orgasms. We’ve had what I thought was a good sex life but she just dropped the bomb that she can’t actually orgasm from penetrative sex and that she’s faked it all along.

13 years, we’ve done it hundreds of times and it was fake. Every single time.

I was stunned and am feeling deeply hurt, but from her point of view she feels like it was an overreaction. What should I do? Am I wrong to feel let down?

Nessa’s response: 
Faking orgasms was something I could never do.  I don’t know if it was because I was stubborn or I just felt awkward |”pretending” to cum. Because of that, I disappointed Ryan so much in the beginning of our relationship.  Sex always felt great, but without extra stimulation or oral sex, pure penetration just couldn’t get me off.  In hindsight, knowing Ryan, maybe I should have “faked it till I made it,” because eventually it happened.  As much as I wouldn’t put on a show for Ryan and he couldn’t make me orgasm through penetration alone, I also provided nothing exciting for his mind sexually.  I was just laying there, unable to cum, eyes closed trying to concentrate on my orgasm.  My honesty made me fuck like a pillow queen. Truthfully, the theatrics behind an orgasm is much like moaning or screaming for a man, even if his penis is small.  Or telling a man with a smaller penis how big it feels inside you.  How good it feels stretching your walls.  Why is that bad to make sex better for him?  Obvious I understand it’s dishonest, which is why I had so much trouble with it, but it’s dishonest in a way that she just wants you to feel good about yourself.  She is being dishonest the same way a mother tell her ugly child that he is beautiful.  It may not be true, but a woman is naturally nurturing and likes to make sure her man feels good about himself.

Oh god, that was an awful analogy.  Sorry.

The point is, she was dishonest and I understand why you are hurt.  There is nothing you can do it about it now.  She may just not be able to ever orgasm through penetration, so hopefully you have been also taking care of her other ways:  oral, toys, fingers, or letting her play with herself to find out what she “really” likes.  If you felt your penis was the only thing giving her pleasure for 13 years and just found out that not only has she been faking it, but you also depended on just sex to get her off, take it as a learning experience.  Women need more.  I’d suggest going to a toy shop together, or going online, and finding a vibrating wand and see where that leads you.  

Ryan’s response: 
There are a lot of things you will have to deal with.  Firstly, trust.  If she can lie to you for years about that, what else has she lied about?  I understand your frustration and this is something you will have to work out with her.  If you love her, you guys should be fine.  Personally, I don’t see a woman faking an orgasm as a bad thing.  This might be because for years I had to deal with the exact opposite, but I will list off a few reasons why a woman may be faking her orgasms:

She loves you and wants her man to feel like the greatest man on earth.  That’s a woman’s nature.  Part of that idea means that she wants you to feel like you were perfect in bed.  Perfect means, you made her cum too.

She is insecure and scared that if you find out you aren’t making her cum, you will think something is wrong with her.  Maybe you won’t love her as much as your previous girlfriend that you made cum multiple times per night. A lot of women are really insecure about the inability to orgasm through pure penetration, although it’s much more common than most people think.  Unfortunately, once she fakes it once, it’s kind of hard to just stop faking it.  Usually when they stop faking it, it’s because they stop caring.  Hopefully in your case, it is because she wanted to come clean and maybe possibly relearn sex with you, so you both can enjoy it together.

Sex by nature conditions us to believe that we should end sex with a “happy ending.”  Most men do not stop sex until they orgasm.  Well, when you are on top of your wife she may feel awkward just staring at the ceiling like she is reading and issue of Cosmopolitan.  

The theatrics of having an orgasm makes sex fun and exciting.  Much like dirty talk or moaning.  As men, I can have sex and be completely quiet.  In fact, when I first had sex I didn’t make a sound.  Nessa made it clear to me that she wants to hear me, so with a little bit of an open mind, theatrics, and just letting go of my inhibition, I moan and talk dirty to make her enjoy sex too.  That works both ways.

She may be faking orgasms to control your orgasms.  Personally, if Nessa says she is going to cum, my prostate instantly fills up with semen and I have to strain to keep myself from orgasming as she enjoys hers.  However, she can tell when my body is getting ready, she knows when anything can set me off.  If she wanted, she could let me know she enjoyed her time with me and use her body language to help me finish sooner than I would have otherwise.  Maybe she is tired, maybe she is sore, maybe she doesn’t want you to keep going after you are done.  A lot of times women can be satisfied, satisfying you.  For years Nessa couldn’t orgasm through sex and she would look up at me and let me know, “I love you, it feels great, but it just isn’t going to happen.”  As much as men want the truth, there were times I wished she would fake it because I felt maybe I deserved it.  Did I do everything right?  Did I go long enough?  I remember going for hours, my penis hurting, sweaty, and asking her what she wanted me to do, because I would have done anything to please her.  These days, knowing she can orgasm through sex, which took almost 12 years together, if she actually decided to fake it at times, I wouldn’t mind  or feel betrayed.  I feel like her intentions are good and she wants me to feel good about our sex.  She knows I care her needs, she knows I try, and she knows I don’t neglect her body, so why ruin the moment?

If your relationship is happy and you both are in a good space, I feel like her faking it was because she was protecting your ego.  She may have also been protecting herself from being judged as “flawed” as well.  Either way, once she started faking, she knew that when she stopped, she would have to let you know the truth.  Her lie lasted 13 years.  Hopefully you can work through that and find a positive resolution.  

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