Q&A: Insecure in an Open Relationship

Open relationship problems.   

For years my (33M) wife (33F) and I have talked about an open relationship for her, due to my sexual performance issues. Well we officially started in February, but I’m terribly insecure about certain things.

I know most open relationships are sort of mutual. However, ours started out I guess in more of an unusual way.

My wife is very very sexual, like she’s the kind of woman who want sex 2-3 times a day. In fact, many times we’ve done it 2-3 times a day. Our record is 8 times on weekend.

However, while our libido’s do match, my wife isn’t sexually fulfilled for two reasons:

  1. My premature ejaculation problem

  2. My penis isn’t big enough for her (she’s a definite size queen, we’ve tried 9″ dildos and she not only takes them with ease, but loves it so much more).

For years, she’s asked if having a fuck buddy on the side would be wrong. I’ve always told her yes she can, but when it came down to it, she backed out. Saying, she wanted to be monogamous etc.

Well, oddly what changed her mind was a conversation she had with a guy who told her he had a similar problem with his wife (low sex drive in her case). And his wife allows him to ‘play’ on the side and it never affected their love etc.

So randomly one day while at work in Feb, I got a text from her saying.

“I thought about our sex plan…..I’m ready to do it, I can easily have sex without feelings, my main concern all a long was whether you’d be ok”.

So to ‘test’ whether I’d be ok.

She and I went to a club, the plan was I stay at the bar while she danced and got frisky with different guys.

Well, I didn’t experience any jealousy at all. In fact, it was quite hot!

So we went a long.

She has 3 regular sex partners aside from me, and she’s had a 4 random one night stands in the last 5-6 months.

I have had 2, both very attractive girls. BUT, neither as fun sexually as my wife. Oddly I did last way longer with them than my wife, unsure why.

What’s bothering me though, is that my wife is having wayyyyy more sex than I am. She hooks up with each of them at least once a week, obviously having sex a few times each time they hook up.

One is her former boss, a stereotypical big black guy. One is her dance partner (something I don’t like and I’ll explain) and the other is a body builder who works at the mall (chill guy, I like him the best as he always asks her if I’m ok with this and doesn’t try to push her too far).

Why am I insecure now?

  1. She admitted to me that all over them are far far better in bed

  2. The most orgasms she’s ever had with me in a day is 5, she had 17 with her former boss and routinely has at least 3 each time

  3. During sex with me (which is more frequent now), she’ll tell me stories of things she does with them. Apparently, she’s far far more daring and exhibitionist with them. Especially with her former boss. I knew of things she did as she would tell me, but during sex she’d tell me little details that bother me a lot. Such as, how he chooses very slutty outfits for her to wear while with him in public. That pissed me off because for years I’ve tried and encouraged her and she was always too shy.

  4. She tells me a lot during sex how much their big bodies and cocks turn her on.

  5. I was fine with her dance partner and her hooking up. But I went to one of their Latin nights socials to spy on her a bit. I honestly, thought, like she said at first…that she’d be discreet. However, she was FAR from discreet. When dancing kizomba, they took it to another level and were basically dry humping on the dance floor. He gets very touchy with her, hand on her ass which almost no one else except a few married couples were doing. I confronted her and she admitted that yes, he sometimes gets a little too touchy in class but to her, it didn’t seem too inappropriate. But she did say, she’ll tell him about the hand on her butt issue.

So now, while I do like the fact that she’s getting sexually fulfilled and otherwise our open relationship is working well. She never hides stuff intentionally and we’re having a lot more sex too. Plus, I got to experience 2 other women, both of whom were very attractive.

I don’t want to stop her, but I don’t want to feel like such a shitty lover. I know, honestly I am at least for her.

Does it get easier?

Nessa’s response:
I can make my answer short and sweet.  This is not going to get easier for you when the reasoning behind your open relationship is your penis isn’t big enough for her and you do not please her in bed.

Ryan’s response:
So you are more upset about him putting his hand on her butt while they dance and not him putting his penis inside her at home?   As most of our readers know, we are in an open relationship where we play with other women, as long as Nessa and I are together.  However, none of these women fill a void that Nessa lacks.  In fact, I end up loving my wife more after experiences because the women can’t provide me what she does:  Love, good sex, proper hygiene, and various other things. If I felt jealousy or I felt she wanted to be with other women because I didn’t give her oral sex properly, that would be a huge problem.  If she wanted to be with other women and use bigger strap-ons, because my penis wasn’t big enough.  I would not be okay with this either.  I will save any further criticisms to your situation because I admit I lack understanding.  I’d say you are in an open relationship for all the wrong reasons.  It won’t get easier.

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