Misconceptions you had about sex as a kid.
From the birds and bees, to that dang stork that would magically drop off your new brother 9 months after your dad came home drunk and him and your mother had a screaming contest in the locked bedroom! As a young child hitting puberty, there isn’t anything more mysterious about sex, especially before we had the internet. There were no quick answers and sex blogs.
Shea Curry, actress and blogger at Shameless Mama
“When I was little, I thought that if I pumped my hands together 20 times a night my boobs would grow. I did this a solid two years in the hopes of becoming at least a B cup like my mom. To my disappointment, I’ve barely been an A cup my whole life. Sigh…”
Nessa: I had no idea that breasts were made of fatty tissue and the size wasn’t something you could control. I thought it was muscle and if I would exercise, they would grow. I remember doing push ups and bench pressing the bar thinking I would get so much muscle I would give Dolly Parton a run for her money! Boy was I wrong.
Ryan: I didn’t know how to masturbate. I have already made a blog about prone masturbation. I thought rubbing my body back and forth on a pillow was how everyone masturbated. I didn’t know anything about using my hands, jacking off, or any other techniques. I just laid on the floor prone and moved my hips until it tickled and I wet myself. I remember doing this at such an early age that when it tickled (later I find out I was having an orgasm), nothing came out. It wouldn’t be until I was an adult and with Nessa, that I would jack off for the first time. She taught me how to do it properly. How weird is that?
Dan Perlman, comedian
“When I was a kid, my friend’s older brother told us ― that’s where 90 percent of misinformation comes, a friend’s older brother ― that sex was ‘kissing while you’re naked in the shower.’ I’m not sure where he got that from, or how he justified the shower as an essential part, but yeah, I switched from baths to showers after that so I’d be one step closer.”
Ryan: When I first had sex, I didn’t have any idea that you couldn’t use soap or shampoo as lube. The good part is, I didn’t think the vagina needed lube, so I didn’t accidentally destroy Nessa’s insides with my inexperience. The bad part is, we did try to anal and I knew that I would need lube for that. Nessa ran up the wall screaming. One, we were standing. Two, we were using soap as lube. Three, for two people totally inexperienced, there was no way I was getting my dick in her ass. Not like that. To think back, had I actually been able to penetrate, I don’t think there would have been anything worse than her ripped anus with soap being used as lube.
Ryan: Speaking of burning. I once sprayed cologne on my balls because I wanted to make sure I smelled amazing. Little did I know, the skin around my balls is so sensitive and anything like alcohol touching it would burn worse than anything I had ever felt in my life. I jumped so fast into a cold bath. I had no idea that my ball skin was totally different than the rest of my body.
Julie Krafchick, creator and producer of the “Date/able” podcast
“My parents told me that a stork delivered me, and I think I believed them well into middle school.”
Ryan: I didn’t know a woman had a “bottom” of her vagina. For some reason I thought I would just be able to have sex and the walls would feel warm and tight. The last thing I ever thought about was that a vagina is only so big and your penis can rub the bottom of her hole. For months I would have sex with Nessa and be in awe that a woman’s body had limits. Not sure why I didn’t know this.
Nessa: I didn’t realize this until I had sex either. You do not know the sensations until you feel a penis for the first time, but the pressure deep inside, the bladder and back walls being pushed, was the weirdest sensation for me. It wasn’t like my fingers I had used at all. Later in life, that weird bottom sensation is what makes me orgasm through penetration. Not my g-spot, or my shallow lips, its that deep pressure.
Ebony Kenney, blogger at Magic, Sex and Coffee
“I thought if I was in a hot tub the same time as a boy, I would get pregnant. Not having sex or anything like that. Just actually sitting. And on top of that, I just knew if there was a better ratio of girls to boys, it would decrease my odds of getting pregnant. I never got in a hot tub alone with a boy, because, you know — math.”
Nessa: When I was younger I accidentally saw my older male cousin using the bathroom standing up from behind. I didn’t know why he was standing up and didn’t know we had different body parts. So the next time I went to the bathroom I stood up and peed all over myself. For years I didn’t know how my cousin peed while standing. Oh, he had a dang water hose connected to his hips!
David Drake, comedian
“There was a rumor going around middle school that yellow 5 (the food coloring in yellow Gatorade, Mountain Dew, etc.) shrank your penis. I was worried about that, so I never drank anything yellow. A large part of me still believes this today.”
Ryan: The myth of yellow 5. I was so addicted to Mt. Dew I just didn’t care. I was totally okay with accepting my fate as having a tiny penis, because I wasn’t giving up Mt. Dew. I can confirm, this was definitely a myth.
Nessa: Speaking of random sex myths (New Kids on The Block going to ER swallowing pints of cum — which later turned to Lil Kim), I remember hearing Marilyn Manson cut out one of his ribs to be able to give himself oral sex. I remember sitting there in shock like….
… so how many ribs would I need to get rid of to give myself oral sex? Hah!!
Nathan Timmel, comedian and author of Hey Buddy…
“When I was a kiddo, my parents would try and find an activity for me to do so they could have ‘alone time.’ Eventually, I figured out what they were doing behind the closed bedroom door, and over time, I noticed that no noise ever came from the bedroom. So I began to think sex was a silent event. Imagine my surprise when I was deflowered, and the woman I was with began expressing herself audibly.”
Ryan: I thought that having sex was just getting on top of a girl and going up and down. I didn’t realize you had to penetrate, move up inside a person, and do that until you ejaculated. I thought you just “hump” up and down until you both said you had sex, and made mud pies together afterwards.
Nessa: I thought that a guy peeing was the same thing as his semen. I didn’t know there was a difference and I was fully prepared for a guy to hump me, pee inside me, and get me pregnant. Little did I know, Ryan and I would do this for fun years later. Haven’t gotten pregnant from it yet though!
Kate Cartia, blogger at As Kate Would Have It
“Watching soap operas when I was home sick from school led me to believe that you 100 percent had to wear a silk nightgown while having sex. When I found out you could totally opt into being naked (or not, you do you), I. Was. Shaken.”
Nessa: I didn’t know that I had a vaginal canal and a urethra. I just literally thought everything came from the same place!
Ryan: Me too! I thought that a girl peed through the same hole that I had sex with. I had no idea that the vagina was so complicated and it had a small hole (urethra) at the entrance of her vagina.
Angela Spera, host of “This Is Why You’re Single” podcast
“I thought a bong was a penis pump until probably high school. Let me explain: When I was 9, I saw ‘Austin Powers,’ which, as you might remember, featured a penis pump. One day not long after seeing this classic bit of cinema, I was with my friends at recess when we stumbled upon a bong on the playground. In my warped child mind, it looked just like the penis pump from the movie! How did I think it worked? Well, the entry point should seem obvious, and I figured you used the mouthpiece to pump it. Being the narc that I was, I ran over to a teacher and told them I found ‘something bad.’ The teacher’s reaction confirmed it for me. It was definitely something grown men were sticking their dicks into.”
Ryan: I remember the first time I heard someone say they had hair on their anus I panicked. I thought that was the most weird thing I had ever heard of. How does a person have hair on their anus? Years later, I now find it attractive and nothing turns me on more than Nessa rolling me over and licking my hairy anus. For the record, I shaved for 20 years before I finally gave in to the idea that it felt good to be natural and manly. It probably took me so long to accept it because of how weird I thought it was when I first heard someone talk about hair on and around the anus.
Anthony Bonazzo, comedian and actor
“When I was really young, like 13, my Italian neighbor Fabio once told me and my friends that if you have sex with a woman too hard you could get her pregnant. I knew that there was no way this could be true, but I planned on being very gentle when I finally did have sex just to be safe. Sadly, that didn’t happen for a long time.”
Ryan: Until I met Nessa, I thought getting my dick sucked actually meant I was going to have a girl sit there and suck on my penis, like giving it a hickie. Rather than a girl using her hands, the lips sliding up and down, and licking the penis, I just thought it was a girl just purely sucking and using hour mouth to create endless suction. I didn’t think I would ever cum from getting my dick sucked because it didn’t really make sense to me. I found out later, it was more of an expression that meant a woman using her mouth on your penis. Btw, Nessa has never given my penis head a hickie.
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