Q&A: Recently my boyfriend found out sex occasionally hurts me.

Recently my boyfriend found out sex occasionally hurts me 

Recently my boyfriend found out sex occasionally hurts me. It’s not all the time but when it happens its usually for a very short time in the beginning and/or towards the end of rougher sex (especially if it goes on longer than like 10 minutes). I didn’t tell him earlier because it’s normal for me (happened with my previous partner too) and I didn’t think the pain was worth making him stop. It came out during a slightly drunk conversation a few weeks ago, so now he knows. He said he doesn’t want to hurt me and asked me to tell him if it hurts in the future.

Since our conversation I’ve experienced pain (beyond just being kind of sore) five times and each time I let him know. He stopped every time but seemed a little upset about it. He has never been mean and after a few minutes asked if I was okay each time we stopped but I could tell he was frustrated initially (maybe disappointed too?). I’m concerned this is ruining sex for him.

I’m wondering if he really wants to know when it hurts or if he just asked me to tell him because he felt like he had to? Would it be wrong not to tell him when I’m pain? I’m inclined to think keeping it to myself will ultimately make him happier.

Nessa’s response: Sex hurts me
I once read about something called “Sexual Frigidity.” I’m not a doctor, but just reading the definitions online, it seems that SF can range from the inability to achieve orgasm (anorgamsmia) by physical means (heat/cold intolerance), drug-induced anorgamsmia (nicotine, drugs, etc.), or just aversion to intercourse (including a mental block and wanting to stop). 

Now, from personal experience, the pain I feel is always temporary and the reasons I feel it is caused by different reasons. Maybe I’m about to start on my period, maybe my husband’s dick is too hard (I rate hardness in terms of percentages where 85% is ideal and 100% is the moment just before he orgasms and it’s rock hard), maybe the angle isn’t ideal (while being at 95%)…there are so many factors!

Once I feel this pain (and I always feel it), I am more likely to “clench up” and wiggle my body in a way to keep him out of me. That is my own frigidity at work. But once I realize what is going on, I don’t tell him to stop. I tell him to work it slow and deep, I change positions until my body gets used to a dick being in me at that moment, I play with myself. Basically, I do NOT tell him to stop, but find ways to keep the sexual momentum going until the pain I initially feel is gone.

This pain really is temporary for me, but it feels so good. Mentally, I love knowing my insides get stretched and worked; I love knowing I have a big dick that makes me ache and throb; I love knowing my man can pound me and even if it hurts at first, the pains of having a big dick is better than the pains of having a little dick. Sex hurts me.

Ryan’s response: Sex hurts me
The question and Nessa’s response sounds a bit scary for me.  Personally I do not like pain during sex.  My only experience is when Nessa uses her finger inside me during blow jobs or hand jobs.  Although it feels great once in there, the initial penetration and exit, always make me whine. The pain doesn’t feel good, nor do I like it.  I think that is part of why men love women, they are so fragile physically, yet their vaginas are so powerful and tolerant.  They do so much for us with their bodies and take all our stress and muscle inside them as part of their every day life.  We literally use our dicks to stab their insides and murder their pussies, getting rid of all our stress, and they lay there happy, tolerating, and in love with us.  It’s so endearing. Sex hurts me.